Mental health is the emotional and spiritual resilience which enables us to enjoy life, and survive pain, disappointment, and sadness. A shorter term for this is an emotionally healthy person.
Wellness is defined as an active, lifelong process of becoming aware of choices, developing skills, and making decisions towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Emotionally healthy people have a mind-set that actively seeks the appropriate response to life’s events. They do not see symbols of wealth and power as defining them. They may enjoy fine clothes, houses, cars, and other items of material wealth, but these items don’t define who they are. They use these items to make life more abundant for everyone involved, not as a way to foster narcissism. They have the ability to enjoy the finer things in life, but they don’t need them.
These people do not have to have an expensive car, wealth, or be seen doing certain status things in order to feel that they are someone of great worth. What they own or choose to do does not
make them who they are. It provides enjoyment for who they already are.
Emotionally healthy people do not bring pain and frustration on themselves. But when painful events occur, they use it as a growth opportunity. It is not just a positive mental attitude; it is an overall belief in making life work well for them.
Emotionally healthy people are not quick to blame others. They do not attack others.
Many of these healthy people do not fit society’s mold of a successful person. But they are not rebelling against anything. They just know who, and what they are, and they do what is a good fit for them, more than doing what is trendy and fashionable. This comes from a solid sense of self.
You may recognize some emotionally healthy people as the person who seems to have a lot of energy and abundance in their life. They promote growth and potential in others. Others may not always be drawn to emotionally healthy people, but that would likely be because of you, not because of anything that the emotionally healthy person is doing to you. Their focus on the reality of a situation may feel too intense for some people who are not used to living life in that honest of a manner.
Does spiritually have anything to do with mental well-being? Dr. Donald R. Bardill, former president of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, says that we live in a world of four known human experiential realities, and one of the four is a spiritual reality.
• One is the Self- that is you, and only you.
• Another is Context-or everything that exists in the subjective sense. These are generally socially constructed things, like churches, governments, culture, etc. It serves as a frame of reference for making meaning.
• One more is Others. This one is a little difficult, but every one who isn’t you, is other. Others help define who you are. For example, if you were born into a different family, you would be a different person than you are now, based on the effects of the others.
• That leaves the spiritual reality, for the final of the four things that make up the human experience. For psychological purposes, the spiritual, in simplified terms, is the acceptance of a ruler of the universe. Spiritual reality serves as a source of information for behavior. The spiritual can be the ultimate meaning maker for the context category, or the socially constructed things. For example the Declaration of Independence was a context document, but its meaning was influenced by the spiritual.
It has been said that the spiritual, is the audience that you play your life to.
So in a nutshell, those four things, self, context, other, and spiritual, are what makes us a human, rather than say an animal.
If a person fails to fully engage one of the realities, the spiritual for example, it sets them up to function without all of the needed, life enhancing, information that they need.
If a person thinks that part of reality, is all of reality, that becomes self-destructive.
Humans operate under the law of least resistance. We seek the perceived easy way out, the least painful way out. Notice I said the perceived easy way. The perceived easy way, and the actual easy way, may be different. For example, stealing may look like an easy way to get what you want, but can’t afford. But once caught and in handcuffs, the perceived easy way no longer looks like the true easy way.
We are meaning making creatures. We are driven to make meaning out of everything that happens around us. We make meaning in certain ways, depending on our mindset. This leads to a filtering of information that may prevent us from seeing all that might be useful. An example of a filter might be racist beliefs. If you have racist beliefs, your mind will filter information in such a way that helps make meanings that fit that mindset.
What follows is what is necessary for you to be at your best.
Emotional maturity- is being able to use skills and tools, to manage emotions in a way that doesn’t hurt us.
It involves:
Self-regulation- which is the ability to deal with emotions and thinking, and keep ones thinking in charge. It is a way of being able to manage your anxiety, while keeping choice operative.
An example of this is a coworker who always gets to work mad because of a horrible commute that morning, or the stupid drivers, versus another coworker who drives the same route, but gets to work feeling fine. One is better able to manage his anxiety than the other.
I was at the drivers’ license department getting my license renewed, and saw a lack of self-regulation in action. A man came in and became livid that he needed another document and was not told about it on the phone. He shouted at the people behind the counter and stormed off, still shouting angrily, as he walked all the way across the room to the door. He was not able to keep his thinking in charge, and didn’t care that we were all there witnessing his melt down.
Self-definition- that is the ability to be close in a relationship, and still remain yourself. This would mean being able to get married, compromise and be close with a spouse, without losing who we are as a person.
Self-distinction- is the ability to distinguish what is you, from what you created. An example would be a successful small business owner who made his company a huge success, without perceiving that the company was who his is. He would remember, and use language, that showed that the company was what he did, not who he was.
So as briefly, that is what makes us a person, and what makes us an emotionally mature person.
There are some pitfalls that we may run into that have an impact on our mental well-being.
Scott Peck, a noted psychologist, has claimed that “immature humans are more prone to evil than mature ones.” We discussed emotional maturity already, and perhaps there is a link here. One reason that some people lie, is to build themselves up in the eyes others. Perhaps claiming qualifications, or experiences, that they don’t really have.
Emotionally mature people will know that who they are, is not what they have made or acquired. They have no reason to lie to make themselves look better. They accept that they are, who they really are.
It has been said that, “the degree to which you are honest, is the degree to which you are healthy.” Our overall sense of well-being ranges from energetic and happy, to down and discouraged. It is natural for our sense of well-being to shift and change. When we have a solid sense of worth, we acknowledge the down feelings as temporary, and move forward with life. Feeling down is normal and OK. If we have a solid sense of value, we are able to soothe ourselves as needed.
But what of the bad things that happen to people?
Many people defeat themselves by interpreting what happens to them in ways that makes suffering seem inevitable. If we see ourselves as being bad, and unacceptable, and we believe that we live in a “just world” where goodness is rewarded, and badness punished, then when we suffer a disaster we interpret the disaster as being the punishment for our wickedness.
It may be helpful to know that it’s not what happens to us, but how we interpret what happens to us to us, that causes our distress. Thinking that God is punishing you with natural disasters, when it likely is just a natural phenomenon, may not be healthy. I’m sure that we all believe that bad things, like tornadoes, earthquakes, etc. happen to good people too.
Knowing that bad things happen to good people, and will keep happening to good people, will make becoming an emotionally healthy person easier.
This subject would take many semester courses to cover in depth, but in a nutshell, the preceding describes what comprises mental well-being, and good mental health.
Copyright 2007, Dan Lundquist
Dan Lundquist is a marriage and family therapist, and owner of A Better Life Counseling LLC in Denver, Colorado. Dan has a Masters degree in Social Work, and is licensed to practice in the state of Colorado.
Dan works well with children and has demonstrated an ability to win over reluctant children who do not wish to visit a therapist. Dan has had a lot of success working with teens that have anger issues. One of his specialties it working with people to get more enjoyment out of their relationships. A relationship may be between spouses, parent and child, you and your boss, siblings, etc.
If you are having trouble in your relationship with a spouse, Dan recommends the book
Dan would be happy to consult with you about what led you to search for a therapist, and if he would be a good match to help you gain more enjoyment in your life, even in difficult circumstances.
http://www.abetterlifecounselingllc.com
Tags: counseling, emotional health, Emotionally healthy, family counseling, health, mental health, therapy
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