One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs. Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked. Unfortunately, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused. Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness). It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs.
If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off - well what sort of friendship is that? They will go and find someone else to take advantage of. True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own.
So how do you say no? If you lack confidence, you tend to avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses - creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you. However, a simple “no” can be interpreted as quite aggressive and uncompromising - which may be appropriate, especially with people you don’t know. But we don’t feel comfortable using straight “no” with family and friends, especially in the first instance.
Don’t apologize
The first aim is to say no without apologizing. You can still give a genuine reason:-
“No, I’ve got to do some work this afternoon” or simply say “No, it’s not possible today” or “No I can’t” or “No, I don’t want to”. The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology –
“I’m sorry… ” Or “I’m afraid…”
The other person may have a problem, may be very needy - but you don’t have to take it on board or feel it’s your responsibility to meet that need.
Broken Record
A useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer. If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, it’s tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no. This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies.
So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-
“No, I can’t work that day” -
“But I really need someone to cover for me”
“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)
“I’ve asked everyone else; you’re the only one who can help”
“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)
“Why not, you usually can help me out?”
“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)
Reflective No
A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way. It shows you are listening to the person, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic saying no.
So following on the above dialogue:-
“But I really need someone to cover for me”
“I know you want to go away, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)
This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (”I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and that the only day we can do that. I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)
Rain Check No
A “rain check no”, says a clear no to the current request but does respond with a positive offer:-
I can’t work your shift tomorrow as I’m doing something; however I can help out later in the week if that’s any help?”
The bottom line is, though, to only make an offer if you genuinely want to. Don’t add a “rain check no” to ease your guilt - stick to the reasoned no above.
Clarification
Responding with a question and asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. It’s not giving in, but simply clarifies what is being asked.
“Does it have to be today, its very short notice?”
“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”
The bottom line is not to start apologizing or giving in - like the rain check “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester.
Simple No
The final technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest - but certainly not the easiest! By just saying “no” and nothing else you may be perceived as rude or aggressive. But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it.
“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”
”No”
“Please, I really need tomorrow off”
”No”
“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”
“No”
In the example we have been using, this may not be appropriate if a colleague is asking you for the first time - but if you have already been through other techniques and they are pestering you again, its probably well justified. It’s also useful with strangers and odd requests out of nowhere. But to make any changes, you need to practice.
David Rogers is an Occupational Therapist and Life Coach, his blog How to Have Great Self Confidence has many tips, hints, ideas and inspiration for building great self confidence and self esteem.
Tags: assertiveness, communication, improve self confidence, no, saying no, self confidence, self esteem
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